fuck off !

i just need to get this out, a place to write it down
i don't want people to see, it's just such a deep part of me
the past month has definitely qualified as hell
the night i told him i was in love with someone else
when that someone is thousands of miles away
i can't get through a day without crying because i want to be with him
i love him so much, and it's so scary
he could be doing a million different deceitful things
and i would never know unless he told me
that's the scariest thing
than being where i am, i place i hate, with people i hate
waking up each day is getting harder and harder
when i am scared, instead of thinking "i hope no one's there"
i think "not like i would even care"
each night if i don't cry myself to sleep
i pray to just not wake up, i can't stand to be around so many people
it makes me physically sick to see all the couples
and how they don't appreciate or take advantage of their time
they take everything for granted
when the guy i love, the guy that just a thought of him gets me through the day, the guy i would give anything just to hold for a minute, is so far away
and i don't have that time like they do
it's constantly depressing, causing constant trips to the bathroom
to clean my tears, or calm my nauseous stomach
so many people have said they are disappointed
that i made the wrong choice, that my guy isn't true to me
but they don't have proof at all, they just don't get it
i love him, more than i knew i could
i honestly would not be here right now if it wasn't for him
they don't get that, they don't know the story
a friend's "love" flipped out at me for no reason
screaming about how i broke my friend's heart
how i picked the guy that wasn't true
how i should stop staying he and his girlfriend spend too much time together
but here's the thing: i never said that
granted you do but i only wish i could so i never said anything
and i picked the guy i can't live without, the one i love
the only one i could have picked
i see one of my best friend's with her guy, their relationship is shit
they both lie and say they love each other
but both say they are not happy, this is not what they wanted
they don't take advantage of their time
god i wish i was them
i would give forever for just one moment
one hug
when i sit there in the shower thinking i could just go now
or when i sit there bleeding thinking he's the only reason i bother to stop it
i wish people would just stop it
get the fuck out of my business
don't say your disappointed
don't say i made the wrong choice
because the choice you wanted me to make would have made me give up
you owe him more than you think, he's made me live
don't tell me you don't like him, don't yell at me
because you know none of the story
you don't know how much shit i've had to face
you don't know my best friend killed herself after calling me
you don't know i was forced into something a long time ago that i didn't want to do
you don't know how many people i know that have died
you don't know how many friends i've had to talk out of dying
you don't know that everything is a lie
you don't know i sit here at night with a needle
or that i spend every night and almost every day crying
you don't know how close i've come to giving up
please just don't talk to me
the damage is done it won't get better now
you make me sick, i can't stand to be around you
time won't heal this damage and his love is my only cure
if you would ever consider trying to take away my life raft
maybe i never wanted to know you in the first place
fuck off